Theatre Techs?

[rocketdad]

I've noticed at least two other technicians are here, so I'd like to share a joke:

Q: How many stagehands does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's not a lightbulb, it's a lamp.


Q: OK, so how many stagehands does it take to change a lamp?
A: One. Just one. Unless it's that instrument roostered way off the apron, when you need some ballast on your ladder.

In the theatre I've done, one must be careful when asking a helper to go get you a tool. If you ask for "a pair of dikes," for instance, you need to be specific, are you about to cut a wire, or do you need to lift something heavy?

I haven't been very active lately, but I just got a call from the last TD I worked for, and he said the 18-foot-tall hollow core doors I built for "The Marriage of Figaro" are going back onstage this summer. Hooray! They're still straight and flat!

[nomuse]

Neato. Yah, I know at least two others of us here.

Bit of philosophy. At the high school where I first got into theater the attitude was basically an engineer attitude; be smart, do your research, plan for all reasonable contingencies, know that Murphy is always looking over your shoulder. We theater techs got along real good with computer geeks and I was friends with a small circle of physics nuts.

Since then, out in the world, I've discovered a whole culture of small theater, community theater, where personalities reign and technicians and their knowledge are continually debased. This attitude reaches right up to the regional theaters, reaching what to me is a pinnacle of absurdity where the majority of technical directors have management backgrounds -- many of the ones I've worked with, I woudn't trust with a hammer. And managements who believe that a skilled theatrical carpenter can be hired by the day from the guys on the corner of Mission -- I have been told this, in almost those exact words, while trying to hire labor to build a show at a major, reputable, theater.

Mixing live bands has finally taught me the essential survival skill in this Alice-in-Wonderland situation. When the girlfriend of the bass player (who also happens to be head of the committee that organized the concert) tells me to turn him up, I nod, smile, and pretend to tweak the knobs. Perhaps I send a little more bass into the monitor mix.

To me it feels like part of the same fight. Arrogance and ignorance by people who demand a "black gel in the followspot" or insist that since the monitor speakers face the stage, the audience can't hear anything that comes from them....and idiots who denigrate NASA's accomplishments and natter on about holographic airplanes flying into the World Trade Center. Perhaps I am getting personally involved when I should not feel so. But I would be interested in hearing the reactions of the other theater people, and other practicing artists, on this board.

By the by, for another "art meets science" item of interest, I've started a thread on the world premier of John Adams "Doctor Atomic"; posted over at the BAUT forum.


There's a mess of lightbulb jokes that come more out of music and opera, and aren't specific to technical theater; aka "How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?" "One. She holds it, and the world revolves around her."

But I do have a couple I like:

"How many sound techs does it take to change a light bulb?"
"One, two.... One, two..."

"How many choreographers does it take to change a light bulb?"
"Five six seven eight!"

[nomuse]

Oh...your bit about the "pair of dykes" reminds me of a story told by a TD taking a road show to Missouri. Seeing how dusty the duvetine masking was, he said something like "Take those blacks down and flog them." And then sheer horror as he realized how that could be interpreted.

[rocketdad]

You know, of course, that drummers are smarter than roadies, right?

Well, sure, drummers have to count to four. Roadies lift on three!

[nomuse]

Speaking of drummers....

I think you came on too late to catch this on the old BABB (the Bad Astronomer's bulletin board), but for a while we were bandying around the idea of trying to start a band. The name was based in large part on a comment made over at Godlike Productions over the propensity of Phil Plait's boys to descend on the place with debunkers intent; the band was to be called "Jay Utah and the Lying BABB Maggots."

And now I'm gonna fire up my SPD-20 and get a few licks in before dinner. Thanks for the reminder.

[ktesibios]

Well, I'm not a theater tech- I've worked in live sound and as a recording studio techie and recording engineer, but I can definitely empathize.

Two of my favorite snappy comebacks to people who were cluelessly getting on my case at a gig:

"We will be ready exactly one minute later than we would have been if you hadn't interrupted me to ask when we would be ready!"

"The laws of physics don't know who you are. They don't care, either."

Oh, and how can you tell if a drum riser is level?

Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

[Al Johnston]

I once came across a web page where classical musicians were victimising viola players for reasons best known to themselves.

Eg: A viola player leaves his instrument on the back seat of his car in the city. Later realising this might not have been wise, he returns to find the windows smashed, and two violas lying on the back seat...

[nomuse]

The viola players come back with one about violinists.

There was a major orchestra on a tour of Europe, you see. The conductor became violently ill and had to be hospitalized. Clutching at straws, the promoter remembers that one of the violinists had once conducted a small local symphony. The choice proves a good one; the promoted violinist goes on to lead almost half the tour, and the symphony gets good reviews from press and public.

At last, the conductor recovers his health, and his baton. Happy to be relieved of the awesome responsibility of conducting a major symphony orchestra, the violinist comes back to his section. "Welcome back," say the rest of the first violins. "Where were you, anyway? We haven't seen you in weeks!"

[PeterB]

I understand that being the butt of jokes is the burden of violists everywhere.

[nomuse]

So...could all the theater techs raise their hands?

[Count Zero]

nomuse said:

So...could all the theater techs raise their hands?

I would, but then I couldn't type this.

I did a lot of theater in high school, but that was more than half a lifetime ago.

[Martina W.]

nomuse said:

So...could all the theater techs raise their hands?

Close but no tech.

It's been a while but I used to do make-up and sometimes costume for amateur and semi-professional productions.
Does not work very well -- especially when you do special effects stuff -- if you disregard the lighting conditions

[ShowCon]

nomuse said:

So...could all the theater techs raise their hands?

<raises hand>

Here!

And, to share a joke:

Q: How many Vari*Lite techs does it take to screw in a lamp?

A: None. It's a bulb.


Doug

[JayUtah]

I suppose I'd better raise my hand. Haven't done much in a while; my theater is going more and more professional when it comes to tech and skilled stuff. I still build props and work with the flyrig, etc., but they're getting people to do lighting and so forth who are actually qualified.

Our flyrig was actually built in-house. It's pretty amazing. Our technical director and scenic designer could get a job anywhere in the world as an engineer.

[ottawan]

My experience in theater was on stage in high school productions of plays like "Oklahoma", "Inherit the Wind" and "Godspell".

More recently I have been a volunteer camera operator for our local cable station covering outdoor sporting events such as Ottawa Gee-Gee's university football, professional rugby matches and the Ottawa Lynx Triple A baseball games as well as some Ottawa 67's Junior A Hockey games.