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Jokes
Oct 4, 2005 5:34:30 GMT -4
Post by lordoftherings on Oct 4, 2005 5:34:30 GMT -4
I didn't read your jokes Kiwi. I was referring to your "lowdown" behaviour that ones who don't understand in Apollo aren't going to understand them
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2005 10:28:43 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 7, 2005 10:28:43 GMT -4
I didn't take Kiwi's comment about not understanding Apollo "in" jokes as offensive. It was a valid warning which I heeded because I haven't followed every comm and circumstance of Apollo missions. I got a very vivid picture in my head of a punchline being something like....
"Roger, Buzz. It must have been the heat sync!"
Although I might get the punchline, I can imagine the rest of the joke being rather "dry" for my taste. Thanks for the warning, Kiwi.
When I was growing up in Texas, Aggie jokes were all the rage! ( I mean that in the continental sense - not the militant one.) It was later, after moving away, that I heard the same jokes told as Polock jokes. I'm sure Homsi jokes are just the same way. True that it is somewhat discriminatory as an art form, but most of us still laugh. I know some girls that take offense to blonde jokes. I'm afraid I just can't get too empathetic. Jokes are jokes. Don't get too serious about them. (Notwithstanding my defensive posture regarding blowing up soldiers.)
Keep in mind that what makes a successful stand-up comedian isn't his material so much as his delivery. There aren't enough emoticons to help explain a joke. And adding a smiley is somewhat redundant, eh?
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2005 21:35:57 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 7, 2005 21:35:57 GMT -4
A man was praying and asked, "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God replied, "Oh, about a second."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
God replied, "About a penny."
So the man then asked, "Well God, may I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure, just a second."
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Jokes
Oct 7, 2005 23:39:25 GMT -4
Post by echnaton on Oct 7, 2005 23:39:25 GMT -4
1- Go to www.google.com/2- Type in "Failure", without the quotes 3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky" 4- See what comes up! 5- Tell your friends before the people at Google fix it
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 8:34:46 GMT -4
Post by Count Zero on Oct 8, 2005 8:34:46 GMT -4
My favorite google "I'm feeling lucky" search is "French military victories."
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 9:47:51 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 8, 2005 9:47:51 GMT -4
Two older couples are enjoying a game of cards, when the ladies get up to powder their noses.
One of the men says, "My wife and I tried that new restaurant on 5th Avenue and the beef was the best I've ever tasted. I'd really recommend it."
The other man says, "Really? I didn't know there was a new restaurant on 5th. What's the name?"
The first man starts to squint and is obviously really concentrating. Finally he says, "What's the name of that flower?"
The second says, "Gardenia?"
"No, the red one"
"Carnation?"
"No, the one you give to a girl you like."
"A Rose?"
The first man's eyes light up and he shouts, "Yeah, that's it! Hey, Rose! What's the name of the restaurant we went to the other night?"
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 9:55:55 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 8, 2005 9:55:55 GMT -4
I heard this one about a month ago and shared it on another forum.
THEN.... I heard about it on one of the 24hr newschannels (American) about two weeks ago. If the government hasn't forced google to "change it" yet, perhaps they never will.
I don't think the googlites WILL "fix" it, as I'm pretty sure they did it on purpose, apparently showing their political persuasion. I looked all through the bio and never SAW the word 'failure.' In fact, the way I heard it (and entered it) was "abject failure" or something like that. The modifier didn't appear anywhere in the bio either.
Hmm..... a Google conspiracy???
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 10:26:39 GMT -4
Post by PhantomWolf on Oct 8, 2005 10:26:39 GMT -4
It's called Google bombing and there are a few about. Eventually they work their way out of the system, but then the bombers figure out a new way to get the page they want to the top if the list.
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 10:53:34 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 8, 2005 10:53:34 GMT -4
One day, Mrs. Smith's dishwasher quit working. She calls a repairman
and tells him, "Let yourself in to fix this. My bulldog won't bother
you. But, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
The repairman arrives and finds a huge, mean-looking bulldog. As
promised, the dog leaves him alone.
But the parrot drives him nuts with constant yelling, cursing, and
name-calling. Finally, the repairman can't contain himself and yells,
"Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replies, "Get him, Spike!"
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 12:41:10 GMT -4
Post by LunarOrbit on Oct 8, 2005 12:41:10 GMT -4
I don't think the googlites WILL "fix" it, as I'm pretty sure they did it on purpose, apparently showing their political persuasion. Google didn't do it, it is an example of how people can directly influence the "I'm feeling lucky" function. I'm not exactly sure how it works, but I think a lot of people created links to the White House website and titled their links "failure" (like this: failure). When Google indexes webpages that contain that link it connects the title (failure) to the website, and then when people search for the word failure it brings up that site. If enough people do that it becomes the most popular search result. It can work the other way too. If enough websites create links to Bush's bio page and title their links "success" that page will be brought up when people google the word success.
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 13:13:52 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 8, 2005 13:13:52 GMT -4
Thanks for the correction, guys. But, it sure sounds like alot of work!
As for changing it to "success," well, there were about 500,000 more of them than US at the last election. But, they better get busy. Latest polls show them jumping ship in droves.
Just as an aside, the first time I heard it, there was no mention of using the get lucky key. A regular search brings that site up at the top of the search results page. Is this "always" the case related to the get lucky results?
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 13:25:20 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 8, 2005 13:25:20 GMT -4
Now.... before LO has to ban himself for getting OFF TOPIC.........
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan".
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Al Johnston
"Cheer up!" they said, "It could be worse!" So I did, and it was.
Posts: 1,453
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 13:53:45 GMT -4
Post by Al Johnston on Oct 8, 2005 13:53:45 GMT -4
As for changing it to "success," well, there were about 500,000 more of them than US at the last election. But, they better get busy. Latest polls show them jumping ship in droves. It may not matter: at least one person quoted in New Scientist this week believes Dubya was "appointed by God"...
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2005 15:04:23 GMT -4
Post by margamatix on Oct 8, 2005 15:04:23 GMT -4
A man is driving down a country lane when he passes a small cottage, outside which is a crude, hand-painted sign- "TALKING DOG FOR SALE".
So he turns his car around, parks outside the cottage, and knocks on the door.
An old man with wild eyes and a shock of white hair answers, and without a word, beckons the driver to follow him into the back yard of the cottage.
There, tethered to a stake is an elderly, sad-looking, mangy, flea-bitten mongrel dog.
Believing the owner to be quite mad, but wanting to have some fun with him, the driver gives the dog a big smile, and says "Righto doggy, tell me your tale!". To his utter astonishment, the dog gives out a large sigh, then starts to talk.
"Well", says the dog. "I've always been interested in aviation and technology, so I started out by joining the RAF. I flew rescue helicopters, then moved onto fighters- I was the top marksman in my squadron.
Because of my skills, NASA got to hear about me, and I was transferred to Cape Canaveral. I made six flights into Earth orbit and then, in 1967, I flew to the moon. I walked around for six hours exploring sites for manned landings, then got back into the capsule and returned to Earth.
Later, I went to work for the CIA. I used to sit in on meetings between World leaders, listening to everything and reporting back to my masters. I speak 26 different languages, but no-one suspected a thing because of course, I am a dog.
Then I decided to raise a family so I returned to England and took a job at the airport, doing security. I raised a couple of litters of puppies, who have all now left home and so now I'm pretty much retired".
There is a long period of stunned silence, as the driver's jaw gapes open in amazement. Finally, he composes himself.
"How much do you want for this dog?"
"Five pounds".
"Five pounds?" says the driver. "Why do you only want five pounds for him?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t"
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2005 19:09:24 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 9, 2005 19:09:24 GMT -4
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories ...
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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