Religious jokes

[lionking]

I know some, and would like to hear more [but may they be tolerable ]

I'll say what I know:

In heaven, Jesus, Prophet Mohammad and Prophet Moses where riding cars. The angel saw prophet Moses riding a Volsvagen. He stopped him saying:"you are driving too fast, you should pay a tax for this"

After a while, Prophet Mohammad passed by riding a Hyundai . The angel stopped him too."you are driving too fast in heaven. you should pay a tax."

After a while, Jesus came putting on black eyeglasses, driving the uncovered car . The angel didn't talk to him. The two prophets Moses and Mohammad objected : Jesus is driving faster than us and you didn't stop him.

The angel said: I don't dare, he is the son of the president.

===========================
There were three persons, a Moslem, a Jew and a Christian

They were caught in fire in he seventhfloor and had to throw themselves. The Moslem said: Oh Mhammad. He threw himself and reached the ground safe.

The Jew said: Oh Moses. He threw himself and reached the ground safe.

The Christian said: "Oh Virgin Mary"
He threw himself and he reached dead. Why did the christian reach dead while the others reached safe?

Answer: bcz the christian depended on a woman, the other two depended on men, and this is what happens when you depend on women.
==========================================

A christian was driving through a moslem village at 1:00 AM at night where his car stopped working. He called a Moselm to help him. The Moslem told him: give me a hand to lift the car, and say with me : Oh, Mohammad. The Christian did so. The Moselm was startled: do you really believe in Mihammad.
The christian said: No, not really, but do you want me to call on Jesus at this late hour at night and wake him up? No, I'll wake up Mohammad

give me yours know
cheers

[lionking]

what? you have none?

[Data Cable]

Pat Robertson

[BertL]

I wish I could think of some good ones right now. If I hear one, I'll tell you.

[Al Johnston]

There was an upset in Northern Ireland, when someone tried to punch the Reverend Ian Paisley in the mouth...

... and fell in.

[Jason]

George Bush, the President of the United States was visiting Gordon Hinckley, the President of the LDS church in Salt Lake City. As he entered President Hinckley's office the secretary asked him to wait a moment. He noticed a bright light streaming out from under the door.
"Who is he talking with?" asked the President.
"Oh, he's speaking with Moses," answered the secretary.
The President thought that was really something, and he sat quietly until the light died down and President Hinckley stepped through the door.
They exchanged some pleasantries, and then President Bush said "Hey, I heard you were just talking to Moses. Do you think I could see him and speak with him?"
President Hinckley said "I don't know. I'll go ask him." He got up and went into the other room, and again a bright light shone out under the door.
After a minute President Hinckley came back though the door.
"I'm sorry Mr. President," he said, "but he doesn't want to speak to you. He says that the last time he spoke with a bush he had to spend forty years wandering around in the desert."

[lionking]

an athiest drug addict said : by the name of God
his friend told him: did you forget ? we r athiests
he said: God forgive me


A motehr told her son: give me the name of four prophets
he said: prophet Moses, prophet Jesus, Prophet Mohammad, and prophet kiss
the mother said: what is prophet kiss?
the boy said: I always hear my dad telling the servant: by the prophet, kiss [by the prophet give me a kiss]

byt he way there are a lot of jokes about homosexuals and drug addicts. I'll put one

a homosexual had a fight with a normal man. he told him, if you are a man, meet me here tomorrow.
the homosexual came the second day with his friends. He asked the normal man: what do you want to do?
the man said: to ..... your sister
the homosexual told his friends: o.k guys, it is solved peacefully

A drug addict asked the father of his bride: how much do you want to pay [muslims pay the bride's family before getting married]
the father said: $500
the drug addict said: so by much did you price me / night

=====

[lionking]

Good ones, Jason and Al

[lionking]

Eve was doing grapeleaves
Adam came and asked her : why are you messing around with my underwear?


you can post other jokes if you want.

I read lots of jokes on a Syrian site. I'll translate some.
remember the Homsis?

The Syrians wanted to build a bridge. The three cities chosen were Damascus, Homs and Hamah. Damascus had to offer the cement, Homs had to offer the iron, annd Hama had to offer the blocks. After a week, the bridge fell down. The damascus people said: oh, how sad it is that the cement we gave is gone. The Hamah people said: oh, how said it is that the blocks are gone. The Homsis said: it is good that we didn't put the iron or else it would have gone

How do you know it was not a lebanese who did the 9/11?
Had he been a Lebanese,
1- he wouldn't have reached on time
2-he would have put a gun on his belt
3-he would have put his girlfriend next to him
4-he would have made a tour in Newyork
5-He would have called on the press to film him how he would enter the towers

A homsi chewed a chewing gum for he first time, he swore he would never sleep before finishing it

A man saw a advertisement in the newspaper that a family with five kids would recieve a car. he told his wife: I have a kid from anotehr woman. I'll bring it and there will be five kids and they'll give us the car. She said; o.k
when he came back , he didn't see his kids. he asked her about them and she said: everyone came and took his kid

[lionking]

a drug addict was on drugs and fell from 10th floor. he prayed on the way down: God I'll repent if you save me. I'll pray, I'll fast....
he fell on a wagon of hey. When he got up he said: one has certain dirty thaughts when he is on drugs..

An Indian was watching a Moslem funeral. He said: we burn the dead, why do you bury him/her?
the moslem said: we bury, and God burns

Bachir Gemayyil, the christian cicvil war heroe died and went up to the sky. Jesus saw him. He told Jesus, of course, you will put me in heaven. Jesus said: No, to hell.
he asked Jesus: but I faught for the christians in Lebanon against all others [palestinians were inluded in the list of whom he faught]
Jesus said: I won't let you in heaven because I am a Palestinian

There is a chapters in the Koran called Merry that is too long. Other chapters relate to names of prophets. The shortest chapter is "Kol howa llahu ahad"

A teacher of religion passed by students. What is your name? he asked a student. the student said: Joseph.
the teacher said: well, write the chapter of Joseph..
every student that has a name of a chapter should write the chapter.
He reached a girl called Mery. Mery's chapter is too long.
The girl was asked: what is your name?
the girl thought and thought and then said: My name is Mery, but they nickname me "Kol howa llahu ahad"

On the Homsis
why does the Homsi close the door of the refrigerator slowly?
he wants to see who is putting off the light

A Homsi wanted to catch fish but didn't have bite, so he put a paper on the hook and wrote on it "bite"
after a bit he felt something pulling. he aised the stick and found a paper written on it "fish"

A doctor described a medicine for a Homsi
he told him to take it every 8 hours, but the Homsi took it after every 6 hours. why?
he wanted to surprize the bacteria

A small Homsi boy was crying. his mom asked him what is the matter of him. he said: when my friends grow up, with whom would I play?

what is the last invention of the Homsis?
a nightlight that works on sunlight
====
what is the difference between the tight pantalon and the farmer?
the farmer drags a donkey, the tight pantalon drags 100 donkeys

[lionking]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St.Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out." and he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple. "COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"

www.souria.com/joke/index.asp?oo=720
I found on that same site a place for english jokes, but there are some inappropriate jokes so take care... hope you like them.


I know that Americans tell jokes about blonds. I read certain jokes that I liked on that site:

A blond asked the other blond: what is closer to us, the moon or Florida?
the friend replied: duuuhhhhhhhh...the moon
the first blond said: how is that?
the friend replied: we can see the moon, but can we see Florida??

Why doesn't a blond know how to call 911?
answer: she can't find the 11 buttom on the phone

[Al Johnston]

A Welsh one:

Jesus, the Pope and Barry John (a rugby player of some repute) were out fishing from a boat on a lake. After a while, the beer runs out. Barry John volunteers to fetch some more, steps over the side and strolls over the surface of the lake to shore, returning shortly with the booze. More time passes and bait is in short supply. "My shout" says Jesus, and he walks off to shore, returning with bait. A little later, they're getting peckish, so the Pope says he'll go to fetch the sandwiches. He leaps over the side of the boat and sinks like a stone to the bottom of the lake.

"Do you think we should have told him about the stepping stones, Barry?" asks Jesus.

"What stepping stones?"

[lionking]

hahahaha.. funny

here is one
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

[lionking]

on the blondes
One day, a blonde left work early to go home and suprise her husband with a big dinner. When she got home she saw her husband's car in the drive way and thought "Aw, shoot there goes my suprise."
When she got inside, and saw her husband with her sister.

She ran out of her house and went to a sporting goods store. After buying a gun she went home and ran into her backyard. She pulled out her gun put it to her head and let out a shrill scream.

Her husband ran outside and saw his wife with the gun and said, "Honey, please don't do it!"

The blonde screamed, "Shut up a-hole, you're next!"

[lionking]

on the Homsis

a Homsi was riding a motorcycle. he saw two lights and thaught they are two motorcycles so decided to pass through them. it was a car and he did an accident . when he got up he said: the middle rider is a donkey, he didn't put on his light

a homsi was looking at an ice melting. a friend came and asked him: what r you doing? he said: I just want to know from where is this leaking