Bob B.
Bob the Excel Guru?
Posts: 3,072
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2005 15:27:32 GMT -4
Post by Bob B. on Oct 10, 2005 15:27:32 GMT -4
1- Go to www.google.com/2- Type in "Failure", without the quotes 3- Instead of hitting "Search" hit "I'm feeling Lucky" 4- See what comes up! 5- Tell your friends before the people at Google fix it Try typing in the following and see what Web site comes up: This is not a joke, but it's something I'm happy to see. ;D
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Al Johnston
"Cheer up!" they said, "It could be worse!" So I did, and it was.
Posts: 1,453
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2005 18:17:19 GMT -4
Post by Al Johnston on Oct 10, 2005 18:17:19 GMT -4
Way to go Bob! ;D
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Jokes
Oct 10, 2005 20:27:48 GMT -4
Post by Count Zero on Oct 10, 2005 20:27:48 GMT -4
Membership in the Stonecutters has its rewards!
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Jokes
Oct 11, 2005 16:31:57 GMT -4
Post by echnaton on Oct 11, 2005 16:31:57 GMT -4
After years of ringing the bells at Notre Dame, Quasimodo puts an ad in the paper looking for an assistant. The only applicant is a man with no arms. Quasimodo asks the man if he can ring the bell without his arms. The man starts running at the bell and hits it with his head. BONNGG! "That was great can you do it again?"
The man runs at the bell again, slips and hits the bell square on the nose. He staggers back and falls out of the tower, 100 feet to his death.
Quasimodo runs down the steps to find a crowd of people where a policeman asks him if he knows who the dead man is? To which Quasimodo answers, "I don't know the name, but his face rings a bell."
The next day, the dead mans brother come to the cathedral saying he wants to take the job. He climbs the tower and immediately slips and falls to his death.
Quasimodo runs down the stairs to find the same policeman standing over the body. "Do you no the name of this man?" He asks.
To which Quasimodo answers "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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lenbrazil
Saturn
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Posts: 1,045
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2005 12:47:55 GMT -4
Post by lenbrazil on Oct 13, 2005 12:47:55 GMT -4
The joke above reminds me of a true story I heard on the the news here in Brazil.
In Sao Paulo, like most Brazilian cities, vans compete with buses for passengers. Driving such vans is considered to be a form of sub-employment.
The police stopped a legless van driver. He had all the foot pedals adapted to be hand operated. All Brazilian vans have manual transmission. So in order to shift gears he put one hand on the clutch and the other on the stick shift - leaving no hands on the wheel or brakes.
I normally don't agree with Brazilian cops, but the one who stopped him said something like, "I'm all in favor of the handicapped finding employment but they have to do so in a way that doesn't threaten public safety"
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Al Johnston
"Cheer up!" they said, "It could be worse!" So I did, and it was.
Posts: 1,453
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Jokes
Oct 13, 2005 14:21:17 GMT -4
Post by Al Johnston on Oct 13, 2005 14:21:17 GMT -4
Hmm, a true variant of the old Rome Taxi Driver joke
(for those blissfully unaware, until now, it goes:
RTD: "You have to be a big man to drive a taxi in Roma!"
Passenger: "How so?"
RTD: "Well, you use your left hand to make obscene gestures at the other drivers, and your right hand to make lascivious gestures at all the women..."
P: "Good God man! How do you steer?"
RTD: "Like I say, you have to be a big man to drive a taxi in Roma!")
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lenbrazil
Saturn
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Posts: 1,045
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Jokes
Oct 15, 2005 0:29:32 GMT -4
Post by lenbrazil on Oct 15, 2005 0:29:32 GMT -4
Historians have discovered that the world's oldest joke is, Why did the chicken cross the road? Over the centuries many of humanity's greatest minds have answered that question.
Try to match the answer to who gave it. COLONEL SANDERS ANN COULTER GEORGE W. BUSH SADDAM HUSSEIN JACK WHITE BILL GATES: MARTIN L. KING JR. MACHIAVELLI: RONALD REAGAN: FIDEL CASTRO FREUD: EINSTEIN: CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK MOSES: NEIL ARMSTRONG BERT SIBRET HIPPOCRATES BILL CLINTON ANDERSEN CONSULTING OLIVER STONE: MICK JAGGER KINDERGARTEN TEACHER DARWIN:
To get to the other side._______________________
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we're quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it..______________________
I forget..______________________
Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas..______________________
To avoid having to talk to a liberal ___________________
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market... .______________________
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing .______________________
That's one small step for a chicken a giant leap for chickenkind______________________
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. .______________________
The chicken never crossed the road, it was a hoax._______________________________
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity..______________________
I never had sex with that chicken ______________________
I have just released the new Chicken Office XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. .______________________
I have just put my photo studies proving that it is physically impossible for chickens to cross roads on my website chickenstudies.com: _________________________
The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" _____________
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads..______________________
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference..______________________
To hide its weapons of mass destruction. _________________________
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before..______________________
I missed one?.______________________
To get some saaatifaaaction __________________
To escape Yankee imperialism __________________
It had a dream of a society where one day all chickens would be able to cross roads _____________
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golfhobo
Venus
DAMN! That woulda gone in the hole IF....
Posts: 86
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Jokes
Oct 15, 2005 8:43:16 GMT -4
Post by golfhobo on Oct 15, 2005 8:43:16 GMT -4
I pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center and rolled down the windows so my pup had fresh air.
She was lying in the back and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay in the car. So as I walked away, I pointed my finger, saying, "You stay there. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!" I repeated.
The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"
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lenbrazil
Saturn
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Posts: 1,045
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Jokes
Oct 16, 2005 0:22:53 GMT -4
Post by lenbrazil on Oct 16, 2005 0:22:53 GMT -4
I pulled into the parking lot of a shopping center and rolled down the windows so my pup had fresh air. She was lying in the back and I wanted to impress upon her that she must stay in the car. So as I walked away, I pointed my finger, saying, "You stay there. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" I repeated. The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?" Is that a true story?
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lenbrazil
Saturn
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Posts: 1,045
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Jokes
Oct 16, 2005 0:39:40 GMT -4
Post by lenbrazil on Oct 16, 2005 0:39:40 GMT -4
I just don't find jokes that insult people based solely on where they live very funny. There are stupid people everywhere so there's no point in singling out any particular group.. I hope no one finds this one objectionable. I think it's funny not because it plays on a stereotype but because it makes fun of one. Also I'm Jewish. Two Jewish brothers Saul and Abraham are walking down the street when they notice a banner hung from a Baptist church. "Jews convert today and get $ 1000" Saul said, "Abe you think we should go in there, do what they tell us and say we've been converted" To which his brother replied "Why don't you go first? It was your idea, if it works I'll go" Saul agreed and went into the church. Abe became a bit nervous because it took longer than he expected for Saul to come out. He heard some Gospel but still no signs of his brother. After about half an hour Saul came out with a big smile on his face. Abe asked him, " So did it work did they give you the thousand bucks?" Saul replied in a voice filled with contempt "Ach, you Jews - All you think about is money!!!"
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2005 1:51:18 GMT -4
Post by Data Cable on Oct 21, 2005 1:51:18 GMT -4
What do you get when you play a country music song backwards?
Y'get yer house back, yer wife back, yer truck back, yer dog back...
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2005 2:23:11 GMT -4
Post by Count Zero on Oct 30, 2005 2:23:11 GMT -4
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
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lenbrazil
Saturn
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Posts: 1,045
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2005 20:09:19 GMT -4
Post by lenbrazil on Oct 30, 2005 20:09:19 GMT -4
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Age music. A headache! Listening to New Age [involuntarily] always left me more stressed out than before
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Jokes
Oct 30, 2005 21:20:50 GMT -4
Post by JayUtah on Oct 30, 2005 21:20:50 GMT -4
Just got back from a Mozart rehearsal -- lovin' these music jokes.
This one's an orchestra insider.
So one day the conductor gets sick and the doctor tells him to take it easy for a couple of weeks. The concertmaster fills in conducting the concerts for those two weeks. Then the conductor comes back and the concertmaster takes his former place back among the first violins. His stand partner turns to him and says, "Hey, haven't seen you for a while."
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